These past few weeks, maybe months, have been a seesaw at the newspaper in very much the same way it's been a seesaw for newsroom staffs across the country. I'd say the layoffs and the public's enjoyment of our near demise top the list of downers. Not, of course, counting the furloughs and frozen wages.But it's also meant putting aside survivor's guilt, coming into work every day, continuing to find and produce the amazing stories and often the not-so-amazing stories that make the job worthwhile. And that also make the job suck.
In all honesty, it's too often hard finding the motivation. Everyone is seeking that one thing, it seems, that will keep them going. The public venom sometimes makes me wonder why I'm doing the job at all if the long hours and the meticulousness elicit so much criticism.
I found myself recently creating a file of 'thank you' cards and e-mails received from sources, readers and other reporters telling me how much my stories helped them or how much they simply enjoyed reading them. I need to remind myself at times that I'm doing something good and worthwhile.
But it's still hard coming into work and finding stories to enjoy chasing and writing. In a fit of frustration tonight, I e-mailed an old mentor of mine, whose office I used to escape to in search of ideas and inspiration before they shut the bureaus down and let him go.
"My world is filled with butterfly caterpillars, old bridges, wildflowers and bits and pieces of memories," he writes. "I do find joyful zeal in these things and while they may not be especially challenging, they are awfully good and make me glad I am alive in this time and place."
And in his poem-like prose, he reminds me that I have not lost my spirit.
"Momentarily misplaced is far more likely.
She'll find it.
She'll look askew, and anew, and she'll listen.
A newly-arrived woman's spirit cannot remain silent.
It's there. She'll see.
It'll call."
I'd like to say that my excitement returned immediately, but life is seldom that simple. I do know that his message made me smile, offered me some reassurance at the tail-end of my late night Cops shift that the tide would turn and I would find the stories, the love and the words to tell them again.
I can't ask for more than that.
By the way, the image above is entirely his, sent alongside the words.
5 comments:
"There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action and because there is only one you in all time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable it is nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive." -Martha Graham (to Agnes Demille)
Turning midnight babble into inspirational poetry is quite remarkable.
Ami's magic is powerful.
yes, save all the thanks you's... those things are rare today.
I was complaining about my job recently, about the hassle going on, etc. It's really getting to me and affecting my health. I received a comment telling me to be happy I HAVE a job! Sorry, but what good does having a job do if I end up in the hospital or even die from it?
You seem to like your job... most of the time at least. That is good! I hope it stays that way.
oh, and keep informing us about our "common friend"... I'm worried about him.
S: I agree w/some things, but then again I don't. The "expression is unique" and should not be blocked, but I think you do have to believe in yourself and your work, you do have to see what you have to say as valuable and of worth in order to share--and to accept the criticism that will inevitably come. The satisfaction lies in the creation of the words, of the art. It is in the purge, fulfilment of the compulsion to create that we are satisfied.
R: Magic is powerful. And so are you.
Dorrie: Thanks for stopping by. Will update as I get them. I don't think there's anyone out there who loves his job all the time. The key is knowing when you're dealing with regular job stress and knowing when it's time to move on, I guess.
How I miss stumbling into that office, full of babbles and dead animals and a sweet, patient man full of poetic words.
Love you both.
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